We all have a story to tell, this is mine.
Up until a few years ago, you would have been forgiven for mistaking me as a normal working stiff. After all, this was the image I portrayed for so long. Although my world turned upside down in 2016/2017, my life has only just begun.
An early adult life full of self medicating, anxieties, frustration, anger, self-doubt, trust issues and placing myself in dangerous situations could only get me so far. I hit rock bottom and my life as I knew it ended. Every memory, all the abuse, all the torture and all the distress I had suppressed throughout my years came flooding back with one big bomb drop of a breakdown. I was reliving my childhood, through both lived in and pictured flashbacks, as well being haunted by constant nightmares.
I am a male survivor of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. This site tells my story, my experiences and the challenges of recovery & survival.
I am Stevie, this is my life and I own it. I may mess up, I may make mistakes and I may take steps backwards. I make no apologies for these events (after all I apologise too much already), instead I am sharing my story to show how those who can relate know they are not alone.
It is okay to not be okay.
My Recovery
My ever changing future
In early 2017 after being off work for five months following my initial breakdown, I attempted to return back to work due to internal frustrations and low finances. As discussed in some of my blogs, my return was thwarted due to being bullied by senior management into returning to the phones too early into my recovery. This unfortunately sealed my fate and put a scupper on me returning to that role ever again. As I am not a man who will easily give up and die, I am now writing my next chapter one semester at a time.
Having been abandoned by mental health practitioners dosed up with heavy medication and a quarterly check up to see if I have killed myself yet, I pushed myself back into the classroom. Starting with GMMH recovery academy, I yearned to explore why I am struggling the way I am. I found myself returning to the classroom to redo my Maths and English. Given the opportunity, I progressed onto an access to higher education course in Humanities and Social Science. My desire for answers was being overtaken with a desire to help those who slip through the net like me. Having now finished my BSc in clinical psychology, and finally undergoing a collective of focused treatment, my path to the future is becoming a lot smother.
My battle has not been an easy one. It has not been a welcoming battle and it has been hard for me to adapt to a new style of learning. I have discovered that I have specific learning disabilities, my mental health condition affects my learning capabilities and although I am a very strategic person, being a strategist doesn’t help with academic writing. Despite these barriers, the barriers generated through my health, through my home life and through the Covid-19 pandemic, I was able to storm through my papers and progressing in the right direction. My mental health has also taken a new step of understanding. Since my breakdown I have received the diagnoses of c-PTSD, severe anxiety, severe depression, emotionally unstable personality disorder (AKA borderline personality disorder), ADHD and Autism. Surprisingly I finally have a diagnoses I can relate to, which explains a lot more than recent experiences. This is why I cover them so much in my writings.
This is my story, I may not always be the editor but I will always be the author.