Originally posted 30 June 2017 via Blogger. Post copied like for like.
You wake up in the morning ready for school/work/Jeremy Kyle every day. Same thing goes through your mind as a first thought…. Give me a cig……..Get me some coffee………Shut up you noisy git……..I need a wee………or for the very lucky…Hello world. It is at this point you get out of bed right? Or is it?
Imagine waking up in the morning and feeling like you have just awoken from a weekend bender. Your head is spinning around, the noises are making you want to keep your eyes closed until they go away, your body feels week & limp and a big urge to cry yourself back to sleep. Everyone else is running around doing the usual morning rituals, the birds are singing what’ on any other day would be a beautiful song and the sun is shining through that crack in the curtains we just cant cover up no matter what you try. Yet you’re still lay there wanting it all to end. I don’t want to move, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to face the world I just want to be left alone to lay in a ball and slowly sleep myself to death. It is at that point your mind starts to upset you more. It’s telling you’ you need to take the children to school, you won’t get paid if you don’t go into work, you need to “adult”…… Well I don’t want to adult, I don’t want to be grown up anymore…… Someone bring me my childhood back. But wait, that wasn’t the best either. It was the same as adulting apart from me being in a lot more debt than I ever was as a 5 year old. As I sit here now writing this I am struggling to remember a day where I jumped out of bed as soon as I awoke and I was smiling. I know them days once existed but I just can’t remember them anymore.
So what can I do to cope with the big scary world?
Not the easiest task I must say. Trial and error never became such a task as it has with distraction.
“I need to tell my mind not to think the way it thinks”….. What the hell type of advice is that? I need to tell my mind, I never told you to train your mind to hide the cookie you are shoving in your gob did I? Who would say such a thing to someone with depression so bad they would randomly stab them self with a fork or a knife without a care of it happening or someone with such bad anxiety they can’t leave the house on there own, without a hoodie and without a pill bottle that rattles more than a babies toy. Yes you guessed it, a practice nurse gave me this wonderful advice whilst shoving her gob with Maryland cookies and a Starbucks coffee. This was just before the worst part of my life yet she never gave it a second thought. I left her office feeling worse than I felt before I went in. Cheers love, I hope the cookie chokes you I said as I was leaving.
I am currently at the point where I can’t leave the house without the few essentials.
Mobile phone with built in games or a PSP
Wallet with spare change for the coffee machine if I need to distract my focal points
Earphones to block out the world
Hoodie to block out the world
Set of keys to keep between my finger if anxiety its too hard
A bottle of Promazine for the same reason and
A Fidget Cube. Yes you heard that correctly…. A Fidget Cube.
What is a Fidget Cube?
Whilst the country is playing with fidget spinners, I have happily adapted to using the fidget cube. Same price as a fidget spinner but less chance of causing any damage. Usually in a “social environment” I can be seen clicking away with my cube whilst navigating through the masses of people showing my “game face”. For those who don’t know what a game face is, it’s the face you show the world whilst muttering the words “I’m fine”.
Recently my anxiety has been put to the test practically every day and the cube has been an amazing coping mechanism.
What are your real coping mechanisms I hear you ask?
I’ve looked for many safe ways to cope with my issues however once my episodes hit it all goes out of the window. I’ve had gloves filled with ice in the freezer but they’re no good there when I am on the floor screaming and shaking. I’ve tried a band on the wrist but that’s only good for light anxiety issues. I’ve tried counting backwards or saying the alphabet backwards but that just makes me look like I have Tourettes on top of my other issues. I’ve even tried drugs and alcohol in my late teens but that just made me worse and go off the rails. The only way I am able to calm myself when I can’t cope no more is by hitting my head. I punch it, I slap it, I hit it with the palm of my hand, I hit it off floors, walls, doors or anything to my disposal. If I am not hitting my head I am punching inanimate objects like walls or doors. I just want the feel the new pain so I don’t feel the pain I am already in. I would never hit a person, just inanimate objects. If I am able to I go for walks. I won’t take anything with me, I just go for random walks. Recently I’ve found myself walking to the local hospital so if things do get too much I am able to get help quick but the walk usually calms me down and knackers me out at the same time.
The problem with self harming is people struggle to cope with it. It’s hard for people to accept that self harming is “normal” to me when it is abnormal to everyone else. If I’m self harming, chances are I am in a bad place and all I need is to be either left alone or to be comforted yet panic sets in and everyone acts different. It is for this reason I try to take myself away from everyone when I do this.
Gaming
One thing I have found helps me a lot with my anxiety is gaming. Whether it be a game on my mobile phone, a PSP game, a strategy game or a game on the PS4, I know immersing myself into a game helps me to distract myself from what is going on around me. When I am in a game I feel I am no longer on this cruel world instead I am in gaming world where I don’t have too deal with anyone other than AI’s and the odd fellow gamer. Never underestimate the power of a car racing game or a strategy game, they are more than just toys I assure you.
No matter what your coping strategy is or how you see people with mental issues, please remember we are all cut from the same cloth but every cloth has a different stain to talk about.
Thank you for taking the time to read my rambles. Your love means a lot to me.
Stevie
P.S. I’f you’re going to get a cube I recommend getting a couple as you never know when you are going to use it.
Ciao