Alton Towers Archives - Living With Stevie

Having a hobby can be a therapeutic way to escape the societal norms life throws at you. From the peaceful fishing trips to the Lego builds in the back bedroom, hobbies can help with relaxation and refreshing your mind. We all know someone who takes hobbies to the next level, often through over collecting or pushing it on anyone they meet. But have you ever been so fixated upon a hobby that you can immerse yourself for weeks into the hobby like nothing else exists? Until the next thing pulls you in a new direction? This is a common thing for the neurodiverse. Let me explain.

Garden with pond and shed in the background

This is my pond set up (lets not talk about what’s in that giant shed behind). There are two ponds in total containing over 12,000 litres of water. Inside there are various different species of cold water fish including Koi, Shubunkins, Tench, and others. I also currently have five fish tanks around my home holding in excess of 2000 litres of water and various different tropical fish from Oscars to dwarf puffers. At the pinnacle of my fixation I had 9 tanks, each continent and specie specific. This started after I purchased a 100 litre tank and filled it with random fish. (I had owned many tanks before but due to constantly moving home I never got chance to keep them going). I then spent weeks watching copious YouTube videos on tanks, set ups, fish, you name it I watched it. I subscribed to every big fish keeper pages, learnt about habitats, water quality and all nature of feeding. Quickly one tank turned to two, to five and eventually to nine and two ponds with three more tanks ready to set up. The only reason I shrunk my tanks is due to my house needing building work. This is just a long line of hobbies I have taken on over my lifetime. Although not a cheep hobby, it is definitely not one of my most expensive ones.

As hobbies go, I have had fixations on things from motorcycles to crafting and anything in-between. At one point I had a large collection of vehicles all overtaking my home and street due to my fixation on fixing and adapting them. It got to a point that I even went into business with a friend doing just that. That quickly fizzled away when I realised that tinkering with vehicles is a lot more fun when I am able to do it in my own time rather than to a level of expectation. Luckily I was able to bow out of that easy. On another occasion I had a fixation on pushbike repair and building. At the pinnacle of that obsession I had in excess of 20 bicycles taking space up in my garden. I have large collections of all sorts of random stuff. My latest hobby fixation is theme parks. When I am not watching various Vloggers on YouTube and other social media sites, I am dragging the Mrs and young’un to various parks around the country.

Hidden Disabilities, Merlin Ride Access and Nimbus Access cards sitting on top of a sunflower lanyard.

I have had a fixation on theme parks for as long as I can remember. The adrenalin felt when flying round the scariest rollercoasters available is an amazing replacement for my desire to self harm or do stupid stuff. My fear of people and crowded places however superseded my thrill seeking desires. That was until I realised that I can avoid most of the queues which would usually see me lashing out and running away to hide, with the help of a Nimbus access card and the relevant theme park equivalents. Given the chance I would be at the parks every day as this has opened up a whole new world for me, however, my complications mean I have to have someone with me when out in social situations. While I can work through the drainage caused by the parks, the Mrs can not. Especially considering Alton Towers is our local park (I am a Merlin Annual Pass holder), and without the skyride, you can easily cover 20,000 steps a visit. So we are only able to visit as and when the Mrs is up for it. Theme parks are not the only fixation currently taking over. Vlogging, videoing and podcasts in general are something I have a keen interest in.

My computer corner with media equipment and theme park merchandise.

In my collection I have enough video, photography and recording equipment to kit out most mid level vloggers and photographers. Even having various computer set ups to allow for free editing with the greatest of editing software, I have everything I need to start vlogging and recording podcasts. The problem is, I am afraid of people. I have held a long desire to vlog what is it like living life with the catalogue of mental health complications. As much as I can happily sit in front of a camera in my car or when I am alone, I struggle to do it out in public. Just as much as I try not to push and publish myself due to fears of people recognising me in the street (Content for another future blog). My inability to talk to people means I will quickly become overwhelmed should someone approach me out in the wild. Another struggle I came across when making videos was editing. I would over compensate on editing to make sure it is 100% right. This would take a full day alone. I am fully aware there are platforms out there I can easily create and post videos but my fear of disappointing others means I try not to upset anyone with my videos and posts. Overall these are problems I know I need to overcome in order to do what I really want to do. There are a few other issues which I won’t cover here as I am already digressing enough, however hopefully one day I can use my fixations to the advantage of myself and as many others as I can. While “hobbies” are the biggest fixation, my fixations also seep into general planning and daily events. Lets take holidays for example.

I am a nightmare when booking holidays, I am fully aware of that. I hate booking them far in advance, instead I prefer to build the money up and book as close to the time as possible. I do this for many reasons. Partially it is due to me liking to live in the here and now. I will plan to go on holiday, when it will be and for how long. But when it comes to booking it, I fear the worst, so I like the knowledge that there is very little time for things to change or go wrong. Another reason is down to my mental health. I have no idea how I will feel at the time and I don’t want to be booking a trip when I am in a bad place. Not only will it spoil the holiday but it will make traveling a lot harder than it needs to be. The biggest issue with booking holidays earlier is my fixation upon the location and hotels. I will constantly scour Vlogs/Blogs/review sites etc; looking for changes in reviews or drops in quality. Should I see negative reviews I will beat myself up, expressing the fear that I have destroyed the whole holiday by booking the wrong place, causing me to ruminate on this until we arrive. I will be so drained by the time I get there, I will not enjoy the holiday. The Mrs hates this about me. She is constantly mithering to book holidays in advance, but instead of understanding why I am like this, she will happily tell me how stupid I am and point out how “we are not going on holiday”, or “there will be nothing available”. I wouldn’t mind if I had let her down before but I don’t think I have so far. I get why she is like that but I won’t lie, it isn’t easy. But once again I digress so lets wrap this up.

Overall hyperfixations and obsessive behaviours are part of my makeup and unfortunately are here to stay. While I do try to overcome these problematic issues, I don’t know of any magic trick that will eradicate them completely. They definitely come under the “neurospicy” umbrella.

On a different note, if anyone has any tips to overcome my fears or to start a vlogging journey, please feel free to contact me on my Contact page or come find me on social media. I may not be a people person but I welcome constructive and assistive advice.

Stevie.

Have you ever had to make the walk of shame? You arrive at a theme park, excited to ride all of the rides. Keen to experience the rush of adrenalin experienced through the twists and turns of ground-breaking white knuckle rides, only to be told you’re too fat to ride. I’ve never experienced this before, until my last visit to Alton Towers in March (2024).

Having previously ridden Rita last October, at which point I was a stone heavier. I have tried to think up every eventuality for my defence such as: It was a cold day so I was wearing a thick Wicker Man merch hoodie, thick jeans, and a belt. I also had two card lanyards under my hoodie full of badges. My jean pockets were shallow and full with my phone and wallet. I had eaten a heavy meal late the night before, and I was drinking a lot of refill drinks due to anxiety induced dehydration. I could go on, but Rita wasn’t the only ride I had size issues with. I also had to use the “fat man” seats on Oblivion and Nemesis Reborn on that visit, as well as just Oblivion my visit a week earlier. It must be said however, the park staff were extremely understanding and apologetic each time. At least three different members apologised during my walk of shame.

So why am I making the walk of shame?

Many symptoms come with a mental health breakdown. For me, the return of suppressed memories held the severest of impact. The aftermath of which I am still fighting with today. While other symptoms such as the crashing of my “wall of masks”, and the return of my hidden “neuro diverse” traits, it is the mass weight gain which has caused me the most physical complications.

Pre breakdown I weighed 12st 6lbs give or take, and I exercised daily. I held muscle well and despite my ligament issues, I was fairly active. Although classed as overweight compared to the outdated BMI calculators, I carried a lot of muscle weight, with my waste only being 32″ compared to my 42″ chest. The mental health crash resulted in me having to take large doses of Quetiapine, Venlafaxine, & Mirtazapine, as well as Zopiclone and Promazine. All of which turned me into a Zombie and made me constantly hungry for a number of years. My muscles turned to fat and my metabolism stopped due to the irregular eating habits I had developed. My anxieties came back with a big bang and I struggled to even leave the house. Basically I had become a couch potato with little desire to do anything other than hide away from the world and want to make it all go away. Within the first year my weight ballooned to 20 stone, the vast majority of which is fat. I now currently sit at a 40″ waste with a 50″ chest and a flabby gut to go with. I still carry the weight on top with a wide chest but its more fat than muscle nowadays meaning I now have bigger breasts than most supermodels.

But my size is only half of my problem.

Gaining so much weight so quickly is not healthy for anyone. Although a lot of the weight is visible from the outside, the worst damage is to my organs. My lungs, liver, kidney, heart and many other organs are all smothered in fat. I have “non-alcoholic fatty liver damage” (NAFLD), which is irreparable, I have a fatty heart which results in hypertension and poor circulation. I have excessive cholesterol for which I am on 80mg Statins that look like suppositories. I struggle to breath at high altitudes due to fat around my lungs and I have constant muscle aches due to the High levels of statins. As it sits, I will be surprised if I reach 50. To be fair I am surprised I made it to 40 with my mental health issues. I’d rather my mental health take me than die slowly from fat takeover.

So what have I done to rectify this?

As easy as it sounds to most to join the Gym, go for walks or go on a diet. It isn’t that easy with the medication mentioned above as well as the additional complications mental health ailments and neurodiversity cause. So lets cover each subject separately.

Dieting, I do keep to a more healthier diet than I did. I don’t eat too much crap, I don’t snack, I don’t eat or drink sugary products and I avoid heavily fatty foods. My problem is remembering to eat and speeding up my metabolism. I will go days without eating but mostly I will forget to eat until night time at which my metabolism will have stopped, resulting in my meal laying heavy on me. I have started to drink Huel shakes in the morning to try and get it going, but I am more than aware I need to do more. It has also taken me a while to shake the “eat now or you will never eat again” mentality I built up as a child. But that’s another story.

Join a Gym, I tried that a couple of times. First time was impacted by the dreaded C virus at which point my mental health took another dip. The second time I visited Pure Gym. Biggest mistake ever. It is full of judgemental, self righteous, egotistical, people who spend more time ridiculing others than looking at their own behaviours and actions. As much as I would like to return to the community gym I was once with, I just can’t build myself up to re-join.

Walk or exercise more, Surprisingly I love to walk. My body isn’t keen on it but I love it. I could walk for miles, if I could. Don’t get me wrong, I do a lot of walking around Alton Towers or when abroad, I just have to make sure the next two days I am doing nothing so I can recover from masking the pain both mentally and physically. As for walking or exercising in my local community. I struggle with severe anxiety, a personality disorder, and neurodiversity. Leaving my house (my safe place) is hard in itself, to venture into the community where I live, I need to plan the whole day and make sure I can rest for the next few days if needed as that is a chore and half. I’d happily walk far-far away from my home, but only if I feel comfortable and physically able.

Medical intervention, Have you ever tried to get anything out of the NHS? You can’t even get an appointment without a whole lot of messing about. My Drs is like the DWP, you have to over emphasise on your worst day like it happens every day in order for them to believe you need an appointment. I have been looking into Liraglutide and gastric bands/bypass, however, you have to prove to a “health care worker” (not even a Doctor) that these are right for you and no other option is possible. As soon as I discuss my mental health, I’m kicked to the kerb and told to come back once my mental health is better. If you know a cure for personality disorders, c-PTSD, autism, and ADHD, sign me up. And no it isn’t mushrooms no matter what you are told!!! You’d think the NHS would love the idea of my weight loss in order to save money in the long run on future care.

So what’s my plan?

Currently I am having to persevere and carry on with what I am doing. Summer is coming so I am hoping to be able to get out more and do more. Even if it means driving into the middle of nowhere and randomly walking anywhere. I am still trying to push myself to sign up for the community gym once again and I plan on learning to swim all over again as I appear to have forgotten how to stay afloat. Mind you I don’t like the feeling of water in my face so I’ve got to work on that also. The biggest plan however is frequent visit to the theme parks. Even if I am just slow walking around, it’s still better than nothing I suppose. I am also trying to save for private medical treatment. Finally I will be working on my eating patterns. I don’t want to rush it and kill myself but I know I need to do something before I die anyway. It’s time to get back into my love of photography and videography once again, and actually find a reason to get out of the house more.

Anyway that’s enough moaning and waffling for one day. I will try to shorten my future updates but I just wanted to talk about my weight and why I am the way I am now.

Take care

Stevie.

Tag: Alton Towers

Hyperfixation and me

The fat man walk of shame