Have you ever had to make the walk of shame? You arrive at a theme park, excited to ride all of the rides. Keen to experience the rush of adrenalin experienced through the twists and turns of ground-breaking white knuckle rides, only to be told you’re too fat to ride. I’ve never experienced this before, until my last visit to Alton Towers in March (2024).
Having previously ridden Rita last October, at which point I was a stone heavier. I have tried to think up every eventuality for my defence such as: It was a cold day so I was wearing a thick Wicker Man merch hoodie, thick jeans, and a belt. I also had two card lanyards under my hoodie full of badges. My jean pockets were shallow and full with my phone and wallet. I had eaten a heavy meal late the night before, and I was drinking a lot of refill drinks due to anxiety induced dehydration. I could go on, but Rita wasn’t the only ride I had size issues with. I also had to use the “fat man” seats on Oblivion and Nemesis Reborn on that visit, as well as just Oblivion my visit a week earlier. It must be said however, the park staff were extremely understanding and apologetic each time. At least three different members apologised during my walk of shame.
So why am I making the walk of shame?
Many symptoms come with a mental health breakdown. For me, the return of suppressed memories held the severest of impact. The aftermath of which I am still fighting with today. While other symptoms such as the crashing of my “wall of masks”, and the return of my hidden “neuro diverse” traits, it is the mass weight gain which has caused me the most physical complications.
Pre breakdown I weighed 12st 6lbs give or take, and I exercised daily. I held muscle well and despite my ligament issues, I was fairly active. Although classed as overweight compared to the outdated BMI calculators, I carried a lot of muscle weight, with my waste only being 32″ compared to my 42″ chest. The mental health crash resulted in me having to take large doses of Quetiapine, Venlafaxine, & Mirtazapine, as well as Zopiclone and Promazine. All of which turned me into a Zombie and made me constantly hungry for a number of years. My muscles turned to fat and my metabolism stopped due to the irregular eating habits I had developed. My anxieties came back with a big bang and I struggled to even leave the house. Basically I had become a couch potato with little desire to do anything other than hide away from the world and want to make it all go away. Within the first year my weight ballooned to 20 stone, the vast majority of which is fat. I now currently sit at a 40″ waste with a 50″ chest and a flabby gut to go with. I still carry the weight on top with a wide chest but its more fat than muscle nowadays meaning I now have bigger breasts than most supermodels.
But my size is only half of my problem.
Gaining so much weight so quickly is not healthy for anyone. Although a lot of the weight is visible from the outside, the worst damage is to my organs. My lungs, liver, kidney, heart and many other organs are all smothered in fat. I have “non-alcoholic fatty liver damage” (NAFLD), which is irreparable, I have a fatty heart which results in hypertension and poor circulation. I have excessive cholesterol for which I am on 80mg Statins that look like suppositories. I struggle to breath at high altitudes due to fat around my lungs and I have constant muscle aches due to the High levels of statins. As it sits, I will be surprised if I reach 50. To be fair I am surprised I made it to 40 with my mental health issues. I’d rather my mental health take me than die slowly from fat takeover.
So what have I done to rectify this?
As easy as it sounds to most to join the Gym, go for walks or go on a diet. It isn’t that easy with the medication mentioned above as well as the additional complications mental health ailments and neurodiversity cause. So lets cover each subject separately.
Dieting, I do keep to a more healthier diet than I did. I don’t eat too much crap, I don’t snack, I don’t eat or drink sugary products and I avoid heavily fatty foods. My problem is remembering to eat and speeding up my metabolism. I will go days without eating but mostly I will forget to eat until night time at which my metabolism will have stopped, resulting in my meal laying heavy on me. I have started to drink Huel shakes in the morning to try and get it going, but I am more than aware I need to do more. It has also taken me a while to shake the “eat now or you will never eat again” mentality I built up as a child. But that’s another story.
Join a Gym, I tried that a couple of times. First time was impacted by the dreaded C virus at which point my mental health took another dip. The second time I visited Pure Gym. Biggest mistake ever. It is full of judgemental, self righteous, egotistical, people who spend more time ridiculing others than looking at their own behaviours and actions. As much as I would like to return to the community gym I was once with, I just can’t build myself up to re-join.
Walk or exercise more, Surprisingly I love to walk. My body isn’t keen on it but I love it. I could walk for miles, if I could. Don’t get me wrong, I do a lot of walking around Alton Towers or when abroad, I just have to make sure the next two days I am doing nothing so I can recover from masking the pain both mentally and physically. As for walking or exercising in my local community. I struggle with severe anxiety, a personality disorder, and neurodiversity. Leaving my house (my safe place) is hard in itself, to venture into the community where I live, I need to plan the whole day and make sure I can rest for the next few days if needed as that is a chore and half. I’d happily walk far-far away from my home, but only if I feel comfortable and physically able.
Medical intervention, Have you ever tried to get anything out of the NHS? You can’t even get an appointment without a whole lot of messing about. My Drs is like the DWP, you have to over emphasise on your worst day like it happens every day in order for them to believe you need an appointment. I have been looking into Liraglutide and gastric bands/bypass, however, you have to prove to a “health care worker” (not even a Doctor) that these are right for you and no other option is possible. As soon as I discuss my mental health, I’m kicked to the kerb and told to come back once my mental health is better. If you know a cure for personality disorders, c-PTSD, autism, and ADHD, sign me up. And no it isn’t mushrooms no matter what you are told!!! You’d think the NHS would love the idea of my weight loss in order to save money in the long run on future care.
So what’s my plan?
Currently I am having to persevere and carry on with what I am doing. Summer is coming so I am hoping to be able to get out more and do more. Even if it means driving into the middle of nowhere and randomly walking anywhere. I am still trying to push myself to sign up for the community gym once again and I plan on learning to swim all over again as I appear to have forgotten how to stay afloat. Mind you I don’t like the feeling of water in my face so I’ve got to work on that also. The biggest plan however is frequent visit to the theme parks. Even if I am just slow walking around, it’s still better than nothing I suppose. I am also trying to save for private medical treatment. Finally I will be working on my eating patterns. I don’t want to rush it and kill myself but I know I need to do something before I die anyway. It’s time to get back into my love of photography and videography once again, and actually find a reason to get out of the house more.
Anyway that’s enough moaning and waffling for one day. I will try to shorten my future updates but I just wanted to talk about my weight and why I am the way I am now.
Take care
Stevie.