EUPD Archives - Living With Stevie

December 2, 2024December 2, 2024

Pushing my limits during winter blues

So, recently I have been pushing my limits when it comes to social environments and venturing out of the house. I am currently compiling updates on my year with theme parks, but I wanted to put a little insight together of the drain winter has on my mental health and the effects of societal expectations push during Christmas time. Winter is my favourite season, but also my worst. Let me explain.

Media tells us that winter is a magical time of year with hot fires, cold snow fall, and the enjoyment of holiday season ringing all around us. In reality it is to mental health what Paris is to Paris syndrome. For those who don’t know, Paris syndrome is a “mental condition” given to persons who are expecting Paris to be as amazing is it is portrayed in Media, only to find out it is like most major European cities full of crime, hustlers and disappointment. Often experienced by Asian tourists who are only shown the glamour presented within the “city of love”, the Chinese and Japanese consulates amongst others, actively promote therapy sessions for visitors to Paris and other glamourised cities. Don’t get me wrong, not everyone struggles during the winter time, however, you will find many do. For me personally, I can’t think of a winter I haven’t struggled. The problem is, there is no single reason why. Lets explore some of the examples which have been attributed to my struggles.

eiffel tower under white clouds during daytime

Vitamin D

While it has been proven that I do struggle to create and maintain Vitamin D, this alone can not be the reason why I struggle so much. After all, I am not exactly on my own when it comes to Vitamin D. I live in the North of the UK where sunshine is often a luxury. Coupled with social anxieties and other problematic ailments, even supplements can only do so much. My struggles with Vitamin D has been a long term problem for which I try to take supplements for and I do try to build it up naturally the best I can.

the sun shines through the trees in the woods

Shorter Days

Lets be honest, the shorter days may be a big contribution to my “winter blues”. Not only is there very little opportunity to build natural Vitamin D, but, dependant upon your circumstances, you can run into a cycle of living in the dark if you are not careful. Let me explain. Depression can hit so hard I will struggle to get out of bed. When I do finally drag myself out of bed, it is already dark outside. Because I have spent most of my day in bed, I am unable to sleep at night meaning I will finally fall asleep when my mind switches off, just as the sun is rising. This is a perpetual cycle which takes over me every winter for up to half of the winter cycle. On the days where I am able to get up and “enjoy” the day, by the time darkness comes I am completely drained and depression hits hard, starting the cycle over again. Overall, I am lucky if I get 3 consecutive “good” days before I drop back into the cycle. I have tried to keep a routine but when the depression monster is at it’s worst, routines don’t exist.

cars on road near buildings during sunset

Lack of Routine

As covered above, routine is a nightmare when it comes to depression and “the winter blues”. Attempting to maintain a routine while struggling with depression often becomes an additional cause to the perpetual cycle. I am aware that my lack of “constant routine” is a complication when it comes to this trivial matter, however I am currently trying to work on that. This is something I will cover in a later blog while I wait for my recent actions to manifest responses, however what I can say is my lack of working commitments and contractual expectancies does have a big impact upon my mental health, the reasoning behind it may become more clearer when I finally received the greatest clarity of my life. But I digress. So in short, yes lack of routine does impact my mental health during the winter, but in all honesty it affects it all year round. I could give many reasons why I can’t maintain a constant structured routine but I am aware my blogs already run on far too long. But surely “Christmas” gives you positive things to enjoy? I hear many people ask me!!

Christmas / Festivities

Contrary to popular belief, Christmas is a very stressful time for a lot of people. The problem is most people will hide their traumas over the winter period to try and “fit in” with media influenced societal expectations, or as in my case, to ensure our children enjoy the most expensive time of year. The problem with this is the crash that comes from donning the false face for what can potentially be months of pretending to be “okay”. Now Christmas as a child was not an exciting or fun experience, and certain aspects of the festive time of year incite PTSD episodes that can knock me for six without warning. Despite this I will try to keep positive so the children don’t feel the negativity. I have tried to change what Christmas means to me and run a positive spin on it but anyone who experiences these struggles will tell you that changing how something affects you when it feels like your own internal existence is out to get you, is almost impossible. Maybe I should move to a warmer climate to see how Christmas in the sun would impact me.

The weather

The weather has always been a big impactor to my mental health. No matter what time of year it is, the weather will cause my mental health state to fluctuate from one extreme to the other. Surprisingly rain brings out positive vibes while hot sun will make me irritable. Cold weather isn’t a big impactor as I feel more comfortable and balanced in lower temperatures, it is the unreliability of winter weather which impacts me the most. Admittedly, the unreliability of weather throughout the year does have an adverse effect upon my mental health but when included with other impactors such as mentioned above, I can go days when I even struggle to string sentences together, let alone function productively. Lets not forget, I live in the north of England where the weather is as unpredictable as the local residents.

a group of people walking down a street in the rain

Anything else?

Overall there are many things that can attribute towards my “winter blues”, he says downgrading the problems. I have looked into many things which could be attributing to my condition. I was told it was down to my diet so I changed my diet. Un-surprisingly to most, it just made it worse. I have been told it is because I am not spending enough time to exercise. Now saying this to someone who only struggles in the winter may be helpful, but saying to to someone with crippling anxieties who struggles to walk down the street without thinking everyone is out to get you, is exacerbated by the darkness that is so present within the winter months. I would love to be able to grab my dogs lead and go for a nice walk down the canal, but dogs sense everything and my dog is always on protect mode when out with me in the winter. I could look into every aspect of my life and how the winter affects it, but to be fair I think I have covered the most complex reasoning. So what’s the diagnoses?

Lets give it a name

I honestly can’t think of a winter in which I haven’t struggled. The younger years I hid it from the world, turning to excessive spending, excessive drinking and other self medicating responses. It’s no coincidence that the majority of my life ending attempts and treatment requests have been between the months of October and March. I’ve been “pencilled in” as having seasonal affective disorder (SAD), Cyclothymia (mild bi-polar). It’s been diagnosed as low vitamin D, winter/seasonal depression (another name for SAD), and just plain old “depression“. More recently we are venturing down the emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD/BPD), complex post traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD), and neurodiversity. Lets be fair, it can come under as many names or diagnostic situations as you can present, but to me this is life and it is a problem for me. So what’s the cure?

Recovery and cure

I have already covered some changes which I could implement to help me cope with the struggles but as far as I am aware, there is no magical cure. No tablets in the world will help me during these events, and forced expectations from others just exacerbates the symptoms. I do try to stick to a structure but when you are in a really low place, structure is non-existent. I would love to get back into full time work as I miss the controlled structure so much. Most of my “sick time” when I was working full time was round the winter for reset days where I would just sleep straight for days trying to reset ready for my return. For the last 7ish years I have been unable to spend more than an hour focusing, let along a full days work. I am currently trying to work myself back into a working role, with a gradual return to employment but that is for another blog as mentioned above. Maybe I could take more walks or exercise more but unless I can move to the middle of nowhere with no civilisation, unfortunately I am stuck where I am for the time being. So why not move to a more constant climate I hear no one asking? I have far too many commitments in this country to uproot to another. As much as I would love to move to somewhere where the weather is guaranteed and vitamin D is in abundance, but unfortunately I am a little late/early for that transition at this point in life. So what am I doing to help myself?

Conclusion

This is not a new thing for me, as I said above, I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember. I have made some changes to help with my cPTSD issues including stepping away from certain people and avoiding locations or situations which I would foolishly push myself into enduring each year. I have pushed myself to visit various Christmas markets, I am trying to walk my dog when I am able to and I have even got my motorbike back on the road which I have not ridden for a long time now. I am also working on starting a voluntary position within a role I am passionate about and I am finally coming to the part of my life where I can start what will be a new normal. While this problem is back again to knock me down, it will not keep me down and I will come out of it as I do every spring. Until then I will keep on trying to function as expected.

Anyway this has turned into a waffle with no clear understanding so if you got this far, thank you. If your head is scuffled, I’d apologise but to be fair it is easier to say, welcome to my world.

September 3, 2024September 3, 2024

Hyperfixation and me

Having a hobby can be a therapeutic way to escape the societal norms life throws at you. From the peaceful fishing trips to the Lego builds in the back bedroom, hobbies can help with relaxation and refreshing your mind. We all know someone who takes hobbies to the next level, often through over collecting or pushing it on anyone they meet. But have you ever been so fixated upon a hobby that you can immerse yourself for weeks into the hobby like nothing else exists? Until the next thing pulls you in a new direction? This is a common thing for the neurodiverse. Let me explain.

Garden with pond and shed in the background

This is my pond set up (lets not talk about what’s in that giant shed behind). There are two ponds in total containing over 12,000 litres of water. Inside there are various different species of cold water fish including Koi, Shubunkins, Tench, and others. I also currently have five fish tanks around my home holding in excess of 2000 litres of water and various different tropical fish from Oscars to dwarf puffers. At the pinnacle of my fixation I had 9 tanks, each continent and specie specific. This started after I purchased a 100 litre tank and filled it with random fish. (I had owned many tanks before but due to constantly moving home I never got chance to keep them going). I then spent weeks watching copious YouTube videos on tanks, set ups, fish, you name it I watched it. I subscribed to every big fish keeper pages, learnt about habitats, water quality and all nature of feeding. Quickly one tank turned to two, to five and eventually to nine and two ponds with three more tanks ready to set up. The only reason I shrunk my tanks is due to my house needing building work. This is just a long line of hobbies I have taken on over my lifetime. Although not a cheep hobby, it is definitely not one of my most expensive ones.

As hobbies go, I have had fixations on things from motorcycles to crafting and anything in-between. At one point I had a large collection of vehicles all overtaking my home and street due to my fixation on fixing and adapting them. It got to a point that I even went into business with a friend doing just that. That quickly fizzled away when I realised that tinkering with vehicles is a lot more fun when I am able to do it in my own time rather than to a level of expectation. Luckily I was able to bow out of that easy. On another occasion I had a fixation on pushbike repair and building. At the pinnacle of that obsession I had in excess of 20 bicycles taking space up in my garden. I have large collections of all sorts of random stuff. My latest hobby fixation is theme parks. When I am not watching various Vloggers on YouTube and other social media sites, I am dragging the Mrs and young’un to various parks around the country.

Hidden Disabilities, Merlin Ride Access and Nimbus Access cards sitting on top of a sunflower lanyard.

I have had a fixation on theme parks for as long as I can remember. The adrenalin felt when flying round the scariest rollercoasters available is an amazing replacement for my desire to self harm or do stupid stuff. My fear of people and crowded places however superseded my thrill seeking desires. That was until I realised that I can avoid most of the queues which would usually see me lashing out and running away to hide, with the help of a Nimbus access card and the relevant theme park equivalents. Given the chance I would be at the parks every day as this has opened up a whole new world for me, however, my complications mean I have to have someone with me when out in social situations. While I can work through the drainage caused by the parks, the Mrs can not. Especially considering Alton Towers is our local park (I am a Merlin Annual Pass holder), and without the skyride, you can easily cover 20,000 steps a visit. So we are only able to visit as and when the Mrs is up for it. Theme parks are not the only fixation currently taking over. Vlogging, videoing and podcasts in general are something I have a keen interest in.

My computer corner with media equipment and theme park merchandise.

In my collection I have enough video, photography and recording equipment to kit out most mid level vloggers and photographers. Even having various computer set ups to allow for free editing with the greatest of editing software, I have everything I need to start vlogging and recording podcasts. The problem is, I am afraid of people. I have held a long desire to vlog what is it like living life with the catalogue of mental health complications. As much as I can happily sit in front of a camera in my car or when I am alone, I struggle to do it out in public. Just as much as I try not to push and publish myself due to fears of people recognising me in the street (Content for another future blog). My inability to talk to people means I will quickly become overwhelmed should someone approach me out in the wild. Another struggle I came across when making videos was editing. I would over compensate on editing to make sure it is 100% right. This would take a full day alone. I am fully aware there are platforms out there I can easily create and post videos but my fear of disappointing others means I try not to upset anyone with my videos and posts. Overall these are problems I know I need to overcome in order to do what I really want to do. There are a few other issues which I won’t cover here as I am already digressing enough, however hopefully one day I can use my fixations to the advantage of myself and as many others as I can. While “hobbies” are the biggest fixation, my fixations also seep into general planning and daily events. Lets take holidays for example.

I am a nightmare when booking holidays, I am fully aware of that. I hate booking them far in advance, instead I prefer to build the money up and book as close to the time as possible. I do this for many reasons. Partially it is due to me liking to live in the here and now. I will plan to go on holiday, when it will be and for how long. But when it comes to booking it, I fear the worst, so I like the knowledge that there is very little time for things to change or go wrong. Another reason is down to my mental health. I have no idea how I will feel at the time and I don’t want to be booking a trip when I am in a bad place. Not only will it spoil the holiday but it will make traveling a lot harder than it needs to be. The biggest issue with booking holidays earlier is my fixation upon the location and hotels. I will constantly scour Vlogs/Blogs/review sites etc; looking for changes in reviews or drops in quality. Should I see negative reviews I will beat myself up, expressing the fear that I have destroyed the whole holiday by booking the wrong place, causing me to ruminate on this until we arrive. I will be so drained by the time I get there, I will not enjoy the holiday. The Mrs hates this about me. She is constantly mithering to book holidays in advance, but instead of understanding why I am like this, she will happily tell me how stupid I am and point out how “we are not going on holiday”, or “there will be nothing available”. I wouldn’t mind if I had let her down before but I don’t think I have so far. I get why she is like that but I won’t lie, it isn’t easy. But once again I digress so lets wrap this up.

Overall hyperfixations and obsessive behaviours are part of my makeup and unfortunately are here to stay. While I do try to overcome these problematic issues, I don’t know of any magic trick that will eradicate them completely. They definitely come under the “neurospicy” umbrella.

On a different note, if anyone has any tips to overcome my fears or to start a vlogging journey, please feel free to contact me on my Contact page or come find me on social media. I may not be a people person but I welcome constructive and assistive advice.

Stevie.

August 24, 2024August 24, 2024

The unemotional emotions

For those who don’t know, I struggle with a collective of mental health issues including EUPD (BPD), c-PTSD, ASD, and ADHD. Each come with their own symptomatic experiences, however, they each have a lot to say when it comes to emotions. Textbooks claim I am unemotional. Unable to demonstrate, understand or acknowledge emotions. This couldn’t be further from the truth. So lets talk emotions.

When professionals ask about emotions, I often tell them the same thing. “Tell me I have won a million pounds or my favourite pet has died, I will give you the same deadpan response of okay”. This is pretty much my response for everything. Some call it “resting dad face”. Others claim I have a cold heart. People who meet my for the first time struggle to understand why I give this response, often questioning if I believe them, or if I even care‽ Truth of the matter is, I have no idea. So lets break these extremes down and explore them further.

I’ve won £1,000,000!!

Okay so there is very little chance of this happening considering I don’t gamble, don’t do the lottery and I am very sceptical about anything that sounds too good to be true. But it’s not all about the money. Even little things like acknowledgement of my actions, gifted things from others or winning little competitions, I have no idea how to react. Recently I won 2 tickets to a festival. Twenty years ago I would have popped a couple of pills or opened up a bottle of whiskey ready to dance the night away. Now I no longer self prescribe in this way I had no idea what to do with them so I gave them to the Mrs. I drove her and her friend to the venue while I popped over to Thorpe park to get a fix on my current “obsession”. When telling the Mrs about the win, I am aware that I did this in such a nonchalant way, she didn’t believe me.

A year ago I won a £900 paddle board. I never told anyone or even reacted to the win when I found out, instead I just gave them my delivery details and boom it was on my doorstep. Met with a “what the hell have you been ordering now” from the Mrs, I had to reassure her that I hadn’t gone through another stage of ordering random things for the sake of it and show her the winning email. Now I struggle with water at the best of time but that’s another blog, however I had ideas of learning how to paddleboard when I received it. It is still in it’s box in my shed!!.

Following my big breakdown, I spent what felt like a lifetime going through police interviews and bouncing back of forth in the system after disclosing the traumas from my childhood. At the end of the torturous waste of time, I was awarded £32,000 in compensation. My response for this was to get rid of it as soon as possible. My thoughts and feelings on this one was that I was being paid off for a vile man and his dirty cronies to use me as their play thing. So that’s what I did. I spent it all within the month. Giving some away and paying for a lavish holiday for the family and extended. But they’re probably not the best examples so lets bring it down a little.

Compliments and praise.

Compliments and praise don’t go down well with me. I have no idea how to react or what I am supposed to say. This goes with any social expectation to be fair. Thank me for helping you and I will either deflect the conversation or I will shrug it off like it is nothing. Offer me some recognition for going above and beyond, I will brush it off like it is something which is expected of me. Tell me I look nice, I will say “okay”. I could save a life and I will walk away before someone tries to thank me. One example I can give is something I had a rant about a few years ago.

During the peek of the Covid I would send random fast food deliveries to the local hospital. Usually through Uber, I would put instructions to keep it anonymous and deliver it to the front door of A&E with a message saying ‘thank you and stay safe’. On one occasion I happened to send a large bundle of Pizzas however I chose to do it through Domino’s instead of Uber. Well the Dominos driver was an utter tool. He refused to take them to the guard at the door as asked and demanded that I make the three mile trip to the hospital in order to receive them and take them in. When it was explained to both him and the shop boss that it was an anonymous gift that I frequently send, they refused to do this one simple thing. I had to call the hospital and explain that it was me who was sending the food parcels and that one was outside with a very awkward driver. I was then hit with a lot of praise and thanks with call backs from the hospital management etc. I had no idea how to respond, only apologising for the actions of the Dominos driver while trying to get off the phone ASAP. This experience prompted something else I hate doing. I had to make a complaint to Dominos head office. I don’t do things because I want praise. I do it because I truly care about what I am doing. So far we have established I don’t take good news or praise well. So what about the negativities?

Your dad has died

Bad news is taken just as good is, with a straight and unemotional response. From as young as I can remember I have failed to deal with bad information as expected within societal norms. While the loss of loved ones or close pets is an extreme example to start with, it is one which has the most impact. Lets take the loss of my dad for instance.

Before I reached the age of five my father had already left the family home and abandoned me. Neither my mother or step father wanted me around, often boasting about how much of an inconvenience I was to them. My older sisters were frequently in and out of care homes while my younger sister was treated by my step as his own child. The whole of my childhood I was told that my father was a bad person, a waste of space who abandoned me and wanted nothing to do with me. I was told he was an abusive man, and with my only memory of him was him kicking off, punching a glass window and having my mother by the neck, (which only reinforced what they were telling me), I believed this to the be truth. After the step left my mother, I found out my father was back on the scene, in frequent contact with my mother, and my sister was in constant contact, often round his house etc. Despite this they both continued to enforce the beliefs I held that he was a bad person. Skip many years to my epic breakdown.

With every memory I had suppressed from childhood flooding back in quick succession, I called my mother, father, my brother, and sisters all to my home and spent the next few hours explaining what had happened to me. I explained how it had impacted me and the many attempts I made to get help as a child. I then asked for help as to what to do with it. My father stepped up. He came to the police station with me and sat by while I explained everything to a collective of police officers over and over. He didn’t shy away or avoid me, he stood by my side, constantly demonstrating true remorse over what had happened when he walked out of my life. The next few years he was there but in the background, due to the toxic behaviour of his so called girlfriend. Despite this I tried to rekindle a relationship with him the best we could. I wont lie, I was envious of my siblings for getting to spend the best of his life with him while I was stuck with the tail end, at which point he had given up on life. Two years ago we lost him to throat cancer which had spread throughout his lungs and beyond. He had hidden this away from everyone and turned away any form of help. In my eyes he had given up on life and this was the way he found to end it.

During his last week I spent every day with him at the hospital. When I wasn’t sorting things out for him there, I was running around trying to make him as comfortable as possible. Where was the rest of them then? Those that he wanted about all made excuses how they couldn’t get there or that they didn’t want to see him like that. Like I did!!!. But at the end of it all it was me who had to agree to his palliative care. It was me who had to agree to his DNR and other care needs. It was me who had to arrange what was to happen to his body, his funeral and empty his home. It was me who had to sort out all of his debts, finances and alike despite him leaving no will or making it easy for me to do so. In his eyes I was his eldest so it is up to me to deal with it. He even told the others that should anything happen to him to get me to sort things out etc. If only the financial companies and alike believed it was as easy as he said it was. Especially since he was still technically married to my brothers mother. But that’s another rant I will have to have in the future.

You’re probably wondering why I have gone into depth on this‽ The most frustrating part of all this is how I was able to deal with it all in a calm and collective manor. The same as I was when I had to put my favourite dog down. The same as I was when I lost my fiancée to cancer in 2009, and lost a close friend who was like a gran when I was 14. I can’t say when I lost my maternal and paternal grandparents because I was denied any connection with them also. But I digress. I have often questioned how I was able to do this. Did I morn him when I was five? If that is the case then what about the others? Or other negative events? Why do I not demonstrate “normal” emotions when most do. More to to the point, why do a lot of people get upset at key figures passing such as Michael Jackson or the Queen? Not only does this not affect me, it confuses me how some are able to show such dominant emotions about people they don’t even know. But does this make me emotionless or heartless?

Far from it. I may not show emotions but it doesn’t mean I don’t have any. Excusing the constant rollercoaster of emotions I experience every minute of the day, I can be instantly hit with random blasts where I will smile, cry, or become frustrated for no visible reason. I will have no idea why but it happens non the less. I will also become angry for no apparent reason. Usually internalised, my anger stages are often accompanied with feelings that I am unwanted or an inconvenience for those around me.

Is there a cause or cure?

You’re guess is as good as mine. The ADHD says I am over emotional, the Autism says I am under emotional, the EUPD says I have no emotions, and the c-PTSD says my emotional response is dead. Bring them all together and I am just a hot mess of emotions hidden behind a wall of nothing and masked by a desire to fit in with at least those around me.

So….. that’s me in a nutshell. An emotional nutshell. Sorry for the long and random post. I am aware that smaller posts get more views but I write these to vent, not for views.

Take care

Stevie.

April 7, 2024April 7, 2024

The fat man walk of shame

Have you ever had to make the walk of shame? You arrive at a theme park, excited to ride all of the rides. Keen to experience the rush of adrenalin experienced through the twists and turns of ground-breaking white knuckle rides, only to be told you’re too fat to ride. I’ve never experienced this before, until my last visit to Alton Towers in March (2024).

Having previously ridden Rita last October, at which point I was a stone heavier. I have tried to think up every eventuality for my defence such as: It was a cold day so I was wearing a thick Wicker Man merch hoodie, thick jeans, and a belt. I also had two card lanyards under my hoodie full of badges. My jean pockets were shallow and full with my phone and wallet. I had eaten a heavy meal late the night before, and I was drinking a lot of refill drinks due to anxiety induced dehydration. I could go on, but Rita wasn’t the only ride I had size issues with. I also had to use the “fat man” seats on Oblivion and Nemesis Reborn on that visit, as well as just Oblivion my visit a week earlier. It must be said however, the park staff were extremely understanding and apologetic each time. At least three different members apologised during my walk of shame.

So why am I making the walk of shame?

Many symptoms come with a mental health breakdown. For me, the return of suppressed memories held the severest of impact. The aftermath of which I am still fighting with today. While other symptoms such as the crashing of my “wall of masks”, and the return of my hidden “neuro diverse” traits, it is the mass weight gain which has caused me the most physical complications.

Pre breakdown I weighed 12st 6lbs give or take, and I exercised daily. I held muscle well and despite my ligament issues, I was fairly active. Although classed as overweight compared to the outdated BMI calculators, I carried a lot of muscle weight, with my waste only being 32″ compared to my 42″ chest. The mental health crash resulted in me having to take large doses of Quetiapine, Venlafaxine, & Mirtazapine, as well as Zopiclone and Promazine. All of which turned me into a Zombie and made me constantly hungry for a number of years. My muscles turned to fat and my metabolism stopped due to the irregular eating habits I had developed. My anxieties came back with a big bang and I struggled to even leave the house. Basically I had become a couch potato with little desire to do anything other than hide away from the world and want to make it all go away. Within the first year my weight ballooned to 20 stone, the vast majority of which is fat. I now currently sit at a 40″ waste with a 50″ chest and a flabby gut to go with. I still carry the weight on top with a wide chest but its more fat than muscle nowadays meaning I now have bigger breasts than most supermodels.

But my size is only half of my problem.

Gaining so much weight so quickly is not healthy for anyone. Although a lot of the weight is visible from the outside, the worst damage is to my organs. My lungs, liver, kidney, heart and many other organs are all smothered in fat. I have “non-alcoholic fatty liver damage” (NAFLD), which is irreparable, I have a fatty heart which results in hypertension and poor circulation. I have excessive cholesterol for which I am on 80mg Statins that look like suppositories. I struggle to breath at high altitudes due to fat around my lungs and I have constant muscle aches due to the High levels of statins. As it sits, I will be surprised if I reach 50. To be fair I am surprised I made it to 40 with my mental health issues. I’d rather my mental health take me than die slowly from fat takeover.

So what have I done to rectify this?

As easy as it sounds to most to join the Gym, go for walks or go on a diet. It isn’t that easy with the medication mentioned above as well as the additional complications mental health ailments and neurodiversity cause. So lets cover each subject separately.

Dieting, I do keep to a more healthier diet than I did. I don’t eat too much crap, I don’t snack, I don’t eat or drink sugary products and I avoid heavily fatty foods. My problem is remembering to eat and speeding up my metabolism. I will go days without eating but mostly I will forget to eat until night time at which my metabolism will have stopped, resulting in my meal laying heavy on me. I have started to drink Huel shakes in the morning to try and get it going, but I am more than aware I need to do more. It has also taken me a while to shake the “eat now or you will never eat again” mentality I built up as a child. But that’s another story.

Join a Gym, I tried that a couple of times. First time was impacted by the dreaded C virus at which point my mental health took another dip. The second time I visited Pure Gym. Biggest mistake ever. It is full of judgemental, self righteous, egotistical, people who spend more time ridiculing others than looking at their own behaviours and actions. As much as I would like to return to the community gym I was once with, I just can’t build myself up to re-join.

Walk or exercise more, Surprisingly I love to walk. My body isn’t keen on it but I love it. I could walk for miles, if I could. Don’t get me wrong, I do a lot of walking around Alton Towers or when abroad, I just have to make sure the next two days I am doing nothing so I can recover from masking the pain both mentally and physically. As for walking or exercising in my local community. I struggle with severe anxiety, a personality disorder, and neurodiversity. Leaving my house (my safe place) is hard in itself, to venture into the community where I live, I need to plan the whole day and make sure I can rest for the next few days if needed as that is a chore and half. I’d happily walk far-far away from my home, but only if I feel comfortable and physically able.

Medical intervention, Have you ever tried to get anything out of the NHS? You can’t even get an appointment without a whole lot of messing about. My Drs is like the DWP, you have to over emphasise on your worst day like it happens every day in order for them to believe you need an appointment. I have been looking into Liraglutide and gastric bands/bypass, however, you have to prove to a “health care worker” (not even a Doctor) that these are right for you and no other option is possible. As soon as I discuss my mental health, I’m kicked to the kerb and told to come back once my mental health is better. If you know a cure for personality disorders, c-PTSD, autism, and ADHD, sign me up. And no it isn’t mushrooms no matter what you are told!!! You’d think the NHS would love the idea of my weight loss in order to save money in the long run on future care.

So what’s my plan?

Currently I am having to persevere and carry on with what I am doing. Summer is coming so I am hoping to be able to get out more and do more. Even if it means driving into the middle of nowhere and randomly walking anywhere. I am still trying to push myself to sign up for the community gym once again and I plan on learning to swim all over again as I appear to have forgotten how to stay afloat. Mind you I don’t like the feeling of water in my face so I’ve got to work on that also. The biggest plan however is frequent visit to the theme parks. Even if I am just slow walking around, it’s still better than nothing I suppose. I am also trying to save for private medical treatment. Finally I will be working on my eating patterns. I don’t want to rush it and kill myself but I know I need to do something before I die anyway. It’s time to get back into my love of photography and videography once again, and actually find a reason to get out of the house more.

Anyway that’s enough moaning and waffling for one day. I will try to shorten my future updates but I just wanted to talk about my weight and why I am the way I am now.

Take care

Stevie.