For those who don’t know, I struggle with a collective of mental health issues including EUPD (BPD), c-PTSD, ASD, and ADHD. Each come with their own symptomatic experiences, however, they each have a lot to say when it comes to emotions. Textbooks claim I am unemotional. Unable to demonstrate, understand or acknowledge emotions. This couldn’t be further from the truth. So lets talk emotions.
When professionals ask about emotions, I often tell them the same thing. “Tell me I have won a million pounds or my favourite pet has died, I will give you the same deadpan response of okay”. This is pretty much my response for everything. Some call it “resting dad face”. Others claim I have a cold heart. People who meet my for the first time struggle to understand why I give this response, often questioning if I believe them, or if I even care‽ Truth of the matter is, I have no idea. So lets break these extremes down and explore them further.
I’ve won £1,000,000!!
Okay so there is very little chance of this happening considering I don’t gamble, don’t do the lottery and I am very sceptical about anything that sounds too good to be true. But it’s not all about the money. Even little things like acknowledgement of my actions, gifted things from others or winning little competitions, I have no idea how to react. Recently I won 2 tickets to a festival. Twenty years ago I would have popped a couple of pills or opened up a bottle of whiskey ready to dance the night away. Now I no longer self prescribe in this way I had no idea what to do with them so I gave them to the Mrs. I drove her and her friend to the venue while I popped over to Thorpe park to get a fix on my current “obsession”. When telling the Mrs about the win, I am aware that I did this in such a nonchalant way, she didn’t believe me.
A year ago I won a £900 paddle board. I never told anyone or even reacted to the win when I found out, instead I just gave them my delivery details and boom it was on my doorstep. Met with a “what the hell have you been ordering now” from the Mrs, I had to reassure her that I hadn’t gone through another stage of ordering random things for the sake of it and show her the winning email. Now I struggle with water at the best of time but that’s another blog, however I had ideas of learning how to paddleboard when I received it. It is still in it’s box in my shed!!.
Following my big breakdown, I spent what felt like a lifetime going through police interviews and bouncing back of forth in the system after disclosing the traumas from my childhood. At the end of the torturous waste of time, I was awarded £32,000 in compensation. My response for this was to get rid of it as soon as possible. My thoughts and feelings on this one was that I was being paid off for a vile man and his dirty cronies to use me as their play thing. So that’s what I did. I spent it all within the month. Giving some away and paying for a lavish holiday for the family and extended. But they’re probably not the best examples so lets bring it down a little.
Compliments and praise.
Compliments and praise don’t go down well with me. I have no idea how to react or what I am supposed to say. This goes with any social expectation to be fair. Thank me for helping you and I will either deflect the conversation or I will shrug it off like it is nothing. Offer me some recognition for going above and beyond, I will brush it off like it is something which is expected of me. Tell me I look nice, I will say “okay”. I could save a life and I will walk away before someone tries to thank me. One example I can give is something I had a rant about a few years ago.
During the peek of the Covid I would send random fast food deliveries to the local hospital. Usually through Uber, I would put instructions to keep it anonymous and deliver it to the front door of A&E with a message saying ‘thank you and stay safe’. On one occasion I happened to send a large bundle of Pizzas however I chose to do it through Domino’s instead of Uber. Well the Dominos driver was an utter tool. He refused to take them to the guard at the door as asked and demanded that I make the three mile trip to the hospital in order to receive them and take them in. When it was explained to both him and the shop boss that it was an anonymous gift that I frequently send, they refused to do this one simple thing. I had to call the hospital and explain that it was me who was sending the food parcels and that one was outside with a very awkward driver. I was then hit with a lot of praise and thanks with call backs from the hospital management etc. I had no idea how to respond, only apologising for the actions of the Dominos driver while trying to get off the phone ASAP. This experience prompted something else I hate doing. I had to make a complaint to Dominos head office. I don’t do things because I want praise. I do it because I truly care about what I am doing. So far we have established I don’t take good news or praise well. So what about the negativities?
Your dad has died
Bad news is taken just as good is, with a straight and unemotional response. From as young as I can remember I have failed to deal with bad information as expected within societal norms. While the loss of loved ones or close pets is an extreme example to start with, it is one which has the most impact. Lets take the loss of my dad for instance.
Before I reached the age of five my father had already left the family home and abandoned me. Neither my mother or step father wanted me around, often boasting about how much of an inconvenience I was to them. My older sisters were frequently in and out of care homes while my younger sister was treated by my step as his own child. The whole of my childhood I was told that my father was a bad person, a waste of space who abandoned me and wanted nothing to do with me. I was told he was an abusive man, and with my only memory of him was him kicking off, punching a glass window and having my mother by the neck, (which only reinforced what they were telling me), I believed this to the be truth. After the step left my mother, I found out my father was back on the scene, in frequent contact with my mother, and my sister was in constant contact, often round his house etc. Despite this they both continued to enforce the beliefs I held that he was a bad person. Skip many years to my epic breakdown.
With every memory I had suppressed from childhood flooding back in quick succession, I called my mother, father, my brother, and sisters all to my home and spent the next few hours explaining what had happened to me. I explained how it had impacted me and the many attempts I made to get help as a child. I then asked for help as to what to do with it. My father stepped up. He came to the police station with me and sat by while I explained everything to a collective of police officers over and over. He didn’t shy away or avoid me, he stood by my side, constantly demonstrating true remorse over what had happened when he walked out of my life. The next few years he was there but in the background, due to the toxic behaviour of his so called girlfriend. Despite this I tried to rekindle a relationship with him the best we could. I wont lie, I was envious of my siblings for getting to spend the best of his life with him while I was stuck with the tail end, at which point he had given up on life. Two years ago we lost him to throat cancer which had spread throughout his lungs and beyond. He had hidden this away from everyone and turned away any form of help. In my eyes he had given up on life and this was the way he found to end it.
During his last week I spent every day with him at the hospital. When I wasn’t sorting things out for him there, I was running around trying to make him as comfortable as possible. Where was the rest of them then? Those that he wanted about all made excuses how they couldn’t get there or that they didn’t want to see him like that. Like I did!!!. But at the end of it all it was me who had to agree to his palliative care. It was me who had to agree to his DNR and other care needs. It was me who had to arrange what was to happen to his body, his funeral and empty his home. It was me who had to sort out all of his debts, finances and alike despite him leaving no will or making it easy for me to do so. In his eyes I was his eldest so it is up to me to deal with it. He even told the others that should anything happen to him to get me to sort things out etc. If only the financial companies and alike believed it was as easy as he said it was. Especially since he was still technically married to my brothers mother. But that’s another rant I will have to have in the future.
You’re probably wondering why I have gone into depth on this‽ The most frustrating part of all this is how I was able to deal with it all in a calm and collective manor. The same as I was when I had to put my favourite dog down. The same as I was when I lost my fiancée to cancer in 2009, and lost a close friend who was like a gran when I was 14. I can’t say when I lost my maternal and paternal grandparents because I was denied any connection with them also. But I digress. I have often questioned how I was able to do this. Did I morn him when I was five? If that is the case then what about the others? Or other negative events? Why do I not demonstrate “normal” emotions when most do. More to to the point, why do a lot of people get upset at key figures passing such as Michael Jackson or the Queen? Not only does this not affect me, it confuses me how some are able to show such dominant emotions about people they don’t even know. But does this make me emotionless or heartless?
Far from it. I may not show emotions but it doesn’t mean I don’t have any. Excusing the constant rollercoaster of emotions I experience every minute of the day, I can be instantly hit with random blasts where I will smile, cry, or become frustrated for no visible reason. I will have no idea why but it happens non the less. I will also become angry for no apparent reason. Usually internalised, my anger stages are often accompanied with feelings that I am unwanted or an inconvenience for those around me.
Is there a cause or cure?
You’re guess is as good as mine. The ADHD says I am over emotional, the Autism says I am under emotional, the EUPD says I have no emotions, and the c-PTSD says my emotional response is dead. Bring them all together and I am just a hot mess of emotions hidden behind a wall of nothing and masked by a desire to fit in with at least those around me.
So….. that’s me in a nutshell. An emotional nutshell. Sorry for the long and random post. I am aware that smaller posts get more views but I write these to vent, not for views.
Take care
Stevie.