Originally posted by accident via GoDaddy Blogs 23 November 2023, Finally completed 03/01/2024. Copied like for like 21/03/2024.
Finally completed 03/01/2024
What is in a name? That which we call a diversity by any other name, would still present just as keen.
Okay, so Shakespeare may not have worded it that way, but roses don’t always smell so sweet, so who cares? Anyway, todays topic is diagnostics. I have covered this subject in the past but this time I include updates on my diagnoses, the path to my current diagnoses, and my understanding of each diagnoses. I may digress a fair bit but I will try to cover each diagnoses individually as well as collectively. I will attempt to include some diagnostic and study based information, however, I will discuss each diagnoses individually in detail within future publications. Finally I will finish with my take on the whole diagnostic system, the care involved and the problems created with cross diagnoses symptoms.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with a catalogue of mental health problems. Instead of letting them eat me up, I learnt to over come them through masking (another future topic to cover).
By the age of 30 I had masks for every eventuality. I could step into a situation, don the relevant mask, and appear like I fit in with the crowd around me. I had a mask for work, a mask for social situations, a mask for my daughter and even a mask for entering shops. While the masks helped me to function within society and appear “normal”, they weighed heavy, both physically and mentally. Although I appeared to function well within societal expectations, I was slowly burning myself into the ground. I did have various escapes which allowed for me to reboot and recover. Unfortunately by the age of 30, these escapes were no longer accessible due to additional commitments and expectations. And so my demise gained momentum. Not only affecting my personal life, the impact upon my working life was evidential to all but me. To cover this I would often take unexplained time off from work, blaming it on migraines or other ailments. As much as I wanted to talk about what was going on in my mind, I was afraid I would lose everything if I did.
The majority of my diagnoses came after my initial breakdown around 7 years ago, with the most important being given recently. Impacted by various failings made by myself and others, I have gone most of my life undiagnosed on problems that should have been addressed to promote a healthier life. While hindsight is a wonderful thing, the past is set in stone. Now it’s about addressing my situations and moving forward. Prior to my breakdown, my diagnoses were sporadic and never followed up, either due to my own internal fears or an inability to access resources offered. With waiting lists longer than Santa’s naughty list, or even a refusal of the medical professionals to follow up, the majority of my initial diagnoses were pencilled in to my files as “possible signs” and “probable cause”. My first pencilled in diagnoses came from the same “counsellor” who told me to “man up” in my late teens.
Cyclothymic Disorder
Also known as a milder form of Bi-Polar Disorder or BD3. Cyclothymia is explained as being attributed to persons who experience sporadic fluctuating mood swings, ranging from borderline hypomania to minor depression. Often treatment will include a temporary use of Anti-Depressants, and, basic form of therapy such as CBT. To convert the diagnoses to Bi-Polar 2, the person must demonstrate sporadic yet extended symptoms of Severe Depression, while Bi-Polar 1 also incorporates sporadic yet extended symptoms of full Manic episodes.
Unfortunately marred with this diagnoses, the counsellor told me that I would need referring for an official assessment. He explained that the waiting list was long and chances were my symptoms would go away by then. He then went on to say, “there is nothing wrong with you that can’t be solved by a good night out with the lads”, however he will put me on the waiting list anyway. I never returned after that appointment, instead I tried to take my own life not long after.
Ten years later, I was pencilled in by a GP as having potential Bi-Polar Disorder 2, however the counsellor I was referred to changed it to trauma based severe depression.
Trauma based/Severe/Comorbid Depression
A diagnoses I have received on various occasions is Depression. Often coupled with some form of “Anti-Depressants” and “social prescribing”. I would present to the Drs at least twice a year to discuss my depressed episodes. I would explain how life was becoming tiring and I was struggling to function in society. I’ve been met with various different responses from General Practitioners (GP’s) including “embracing the time of year”, and to change my diet (the most common one). I’ve had GP’s who would listen to everything I had to say, and others who would try to rush me out of their surgery because they were running late and I was inconveniencing them by telling them how I feel. Overall I have struggled with various levels of depression for as far back as I can remember. With my suicide attempts being as common as at least one each year, you’d think these would be logged on my medical records. Especially as I have reported most of them to the GPs or hospitals. But that’s the subject of yet another update. While I suffer with depression all year round, the worst time of year for me is always around winter.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
Christmas is always a rough time of the year for me. I struggle to get into any Christmas spirit due to experiences from my childhood and early adult life. I do try to be present as much as I can at Christmas for my children to ensure they can enjoy the season, however, by boxing day I am often struggling to even want to exist. In the past I have received a SAD diagnoses on numerous occasions. Often dealt with by increasing Anti-Depressants, until I either couldn’t afford the prescriptions, or I didn’t like how they made me feel. More recently It has come to light that I struggle to maintain vitamin D. Despite attempts to dose myself with supplements, I just cant maintain it in the winter months. The rest of the year I am in the garden tinkering with my ponds and plants, but winter is just a repetitive cycle I am struggling to break. Having found studies on the cause and effect of Vitamin D Deficiency, I have come to accept that depression causes vitamin d depletion which in turn causes depression. So now I am attempting to supplement depression for structure and stability while supplementing the vitamin D with supplements. Unfortunately this is hard to undertake when leaving the house is such a chore.
Social/Generalised/Comorbid Anxiety Disorder
Making me nervous for as long as I can remember, social situations have never been my strong point. I can put on a good face and with a bit of “self medicating” or “Dutch courage” in order to appear active and outgoing person. Unfortunately the truth is, I am probably one of the most anxious and socially awkward people you will meet. Unable to even walk out of my home without some sort of anxiety rearing it’s ugly head, I must go through at least one level of attack each half hour when out of my comfort zone. I question every action, every emotion, every feeling, every comment and….well….everything!!! Every thing I say comes out in one of two formats. Either I have thought about every single word I am about to say, or you can grantee I will be overthinking every word for the upcoming future. In my past working environment I memorised every piece of formalised text in order to ensure I don’t make mistakes. I will research day and night on random topics, reading everything that is in front of me or listening to videos in order to ensure I can engage in conversations in which I don’t come away feeling like a complete fool. When I am not overthinking internalised anxieties, I am suffering with external inducing factors.
I don’t like being crowded. I don’t like being out of control. I fear that everyone is out to get me, everyone is plotting something or everyone is staring at me. I can’t eat in public unless I am facing away from others and in a secluded area such as a booth or a corner. I can’t sit in a theatre or cinema unless I am on an end seat near an exit with minimal foot traffic. I will not get up from that seat no matter how inconsiderate the wife likes to tell me I am for not going outside with her at intervals whilst she gets her tobacco fix. Once I am sat I will stay sat in order to inconvenience as little people as possible, yet I will get up every time someone wants to get past me as I don’t want their inconvenient action to appear like I am inconveniencing them. I can’t use public transport because I am not in control and I have had one too many incidents on public transport in the past. I don’t like people sitting next to me. I don’t like people waling near, behind or in front of me. To top it off, if I am placed in too uncomfortable a position, I am likely to lash out or internalise my frustration. Usually ending in bouts of self harm. I could type for hours about my anxiety issues and “triggers” (I hate that phrase), and I will in a future publication, however, my biggest problem is knowing the route cause of my anxieties. Are they generalised anxieties, anxieties related to the diagnoses towards the end of this blog, or are they connected to my c-PTSD?
Complex/Comorbid Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Constantly being amended within the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), the diagnoses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has evolved from the days of “Shell Shock”, to its current form of 5 commonly agreed underpinnings.
Normal Stress Response (NSR) – Often experienced during a singular stressor event, NSR is a common issue everyone will experience within their lives. Such response often dissipates within a few weeks through generalised support and reassurance. Such can occur in the event of a car accident or unexpected illness/surgery. While this is categorised under PTSD, NSR rarely progresses to a full PTSD diagnoses.
Acute Stress disorder (ASD) – Like the above, ASD is a pre PTSD diagnoses experienced during a single event. Unlike NSR the event would need to be deemed as life threatening to be classified as ASD. Such events as natural disasters or near death experiences. Treatment is often similar to that of NSR however medication or therapy may be offered to assist in the recovery. The latter becoming more common within hospitals and victim support services.
Uncomplicated PTSD – Also known as singular event PTSD due to the diagnoses being based upon a singular traumatic event. Often demonstrating through changes in a persons actions and behaviours as a result of that event, such as avoidance, change in personality, anxieties and flashbacks amongst others. Treatment for uPTSD often includes medication and targeted therapy treatment such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
Complex PTSD – Incorporating a collective of traumas, cPTSD is often experienced in those who experience violence or abuse over a six months or more. Treatment for cPTSD is more complex than uPTSD, often requiring targeted therapy for one trauma at a time or advanced treatment pathways. Many who struggle with cPTSD are highly likely to also be diagnosed with some form of personality or dissociative disorder due to the long term emotional and behavioural impact.
Comorbid PTSD – When accompanied with a level of self medicating or addictive tendencies, any of the above can become known as Comorbid PTSD. This can also be present when other mental health complication are experienced both during and after the traumatic experiences. Meaning co-occurrence, comorbid is often used as a blanket term within medical practices. Unlike Complex, Comorbid is best treated together, allowing for both to be addressed to reduce perpetuating cycles.
Having gone through all five diagnoses, it took for me to be open and honest about everything before I received the diagnoses of cPTSD. If this is your first time reading about my mental health, I have covered this in past publications however I do advise to be careful when watching/reading/listening, as they do contain many “triggering” subjects. Cliff notes, I have suffered various traumatic experiences over extended timescales which have been masked and self medicated to an extent until my mental health breakdown, at which point every suppressed memory came flooding back to me like a burst dam. Prior to the breakdown, my diagnoses of PTSD came from the loss of my late fiancée, troubles with childhood that I had talked about and the struggles with my children. While seeking help for my breakdown and disclosing all that I had experienced, it was the next diagnoses which surprised me.
Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD)
More commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), as mentioned above, personality disorders often come hand in hand with cPTSD due to the complexity of the experienced traumas. The most common of personality disorders, EUPD presents a barriers between the feeling, experience, knowledge, and understanding of emotions. For instance, I always use the same example. You could tell me my closest loved one has died or I have won the lottery, I will give the same response to both extremes. Often this is an “okay” and a shrug of the shoulders. It is not that I don’t feel emotions, it is just that I don’t know what they are or how I am supposed to respond to them. I can be calm and organised during a traumatic event yet have a melt down if I run out of milk. I over compensate a lot just to appear like I give sh!t. I had often wondered if I had BPD throughout my life, but the more I looked up symptoms, the less I agreed. This could have been either due to my ability to mask my symptoms, or the little information known about personality disorders when I first started to look for answers. As you can imagine this diagnoses hit me like a ton of bricks at first, however, when reading up on the latest diagnostic information, it was clear to see why I had been diagnosed and what it meant for me. Finally I was on a structured treatment pathway that covered many of my symptoms, this diagnoses started to make sense. Yet for some niggling reason, the pathway was still missing a lot of my symptomatic problems. Resigned at the thought I would never get answers to all the mental health complications I struggle with, I accepted that this was the best I was going to get and I am still committed to completing the treatment pathway of which I will also be doing a post on in the near future. Up to now the pathway has been helpful and eye opening, with lots of insightful information. Currently I only have two notable gripes, 1 – I am the only male on the pathway, 2 – some of the information taught is basic common sense. That being said, until more males start to talk and seek help, this can not be influenced without engaging those housed under his majesties pleasure into the community treatment plans. As for basic common sense, I am fully aware that this is a “me problem” given my knowledge and understanding of psychology and my need to constantly learn. Another fantastic thing to come out of the pathway is the ability to work with the same three facilitators. Having done so for nearly a year, has allowed for me to receive more answers than I have ever expected. Discussing my unaddressed issues, I was offered a pre-assessment screening for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Both of which I scored high on and am awaiting official assessments following referral. How do you have them I hear none of you shout
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Persons who suffer with ADHD will struggle with many different symptoms from inability to focus or concentrate, to sporadic, mainly uncontrollable, hyperactivity behaviours such as acting upon urges or impulses. Historically it was explained that only naughty children were diagnosed with ADHD and most of them grew out of it by adulthood. Lately it has been established that not only did many go undiagnosed at childhood due to this way of thinking, but ADHD is present within adults also. Upon hearing the recommendation by my community Mental Health nurse (CMHN) I was alarmed. I had not long completed my Clinical Psychology undergrad course and even they skirted past discussions of ADHD in adults other than offenders. So to say that there is a high chance I have ADHD was automatically met with refusal and denial. I came home and looked up ADHD symptoms in adults, comparing the symptoms with my behaviour and actions. Impulsivity; yep, impulsivity is something I struggle with a lot. Tell me not to do something, I’m going to do it, sign says don’t touch, I’m touching it, I get an idea in my head, I’ll be undertaking that idea as soon as possible. I enjoy a holiday, I’ve already booked to go back, I like the look of something, I’ve bought it already. Not ten minutes ago I lifted my 20KG dog in the air shouting weee, I don’t know why, I just did. Disorganised; yep. I am attentive in ensuring everything has a place and there is a place for everything. Without this format I have no idea where anything is. I will put something down and within seconds it has vanished into the abyss. I will find it again but not until I have undertaken around 7 other actions in the time I am looking for it. Bit of an Idea, I was building a new computer chair last week, I put the hex key down and it vanished. I went to the shed to get another and found my light I had lost two days before, but it was dead. I went to my battery draw to get new batteries, only to find a random shaped battery. Fascinated I took the battery into my garden shelter to take a picture with my phone which I had in my pocket that I was using as a torch in the shed looking for the hex key. I had received a message so I sat reading that, after which I drifted into a Facebook scroll of doom after clearing the notifications I had on my feed. Finally I got up, walked back into my lounge and sat down trying to figure out what I was doing. I found my hex key on the couch next to me and was swirling it around in my fingers for 15 minutes until I realised I had to finish the chair. I put it in my pocket, went to poor myself a coffee then returned to the lounge only to spend another 5 minutes looking for the hex key again. I only found it because I was getting flustered and took off my hoodie. It fell out of the pocket. Fidgeting; yep, I’m always fidgeting. I can’t stay still for too long and if I do I will have something in my hand or I will be picking at one of my many scabs that I just don’t let heal. If I feel it I will pick it until it bleeds, then I will put pressure on it for it to stop while looking for my next victim to pick. I do this more in uncomfortable situations but it’s a constant issue. I will doodle, draw, randomly scroll on my phone without knowing what I am looking at, and even read everything in sight. I’ll inspect a full room, count tiles, count drops of wallpaper, touch every button on whatever is in front of my, or randomly just poke or tickle the Mrs. It may take me 2 days to do an hours task but if you try to intervene and do it wrong, I will not be happy.
Surprise surprise these symptoms were also present and clear for all to see as a child. Both my middle sister and mother were told I had received this diagnoses and both said “that makes sense”. So why wasn’t I diagnosed as a child? Was it due to my behaviour being hidden, was it a lack of parental care or was it down to my other suspected diagnoses?
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)
My experience of ASD as a child was under the name of Asperger’s, and was promoted as someone who was non-verbal or Rain Man (1988). To top it off, once again in Uni the focus on ASD was around children and extreme autism symptoms. While I have always believed that there had to be an underlying reason for my behaviours and actions, both as a child and as an adult, I never expected ASD to be the answer. Sometimes either myself or others would joke/comment about certain behaviours being “a bit autistic”, or “sensory”, or just being acknowledged as “different”.
The NHS website (1) has a collection of “symptoms in adults” I would like to go through.
Finding it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling. – This is a constant issue with me and has been for as long as I can remember. Being unable to focus upon peoples faces or body language has a large impact on this. As a means to overcome this, I have learnt to read rooms instead. I can go off how others respond or react however this is not always a positive thing as it relies upon others to guide my responses. Often this can result in inappropriate or delayed responses. When alone with someone, I can become “weird” pretty quick. Not being able to understand what is going on, I will either over compensate or react with a deadpan response. I’m terrible at “taking hints” and, unless things are said directly to me, I can and do miss a lot of expressed dialect.
Getting very anxious about social situations. – Always. Anxiety has always played a large part in my life. I will put things off for a very long time due to anxiety, from opening a letter to booking holidays. I won’t go into many places without first being able to prepare myself, have the right distraction equipment such as Loop buds and earphones, and I know where every viable exit is at any given time. I will not ride public transport, however this can be put down to many different factors. I over prepare for every eventuality, often resulting in me carrying a heavy overstocked backpack. I won’t go to social events and actively avoid anything which requires socialising. In the past I have found “self medicating” with alcohol and other unsavoury substances have help with socialising, allowing for me to experience what I have during my masking days, however, since the fall of the masks, I have struggled to build new coping mechanisms for this besides alcohol and Promazine. (not together obviously).
Finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on your own. – Another which I can relate for as long as I can remember. Going back to school times, I have always been a bit of a loner. I have put this down to many things in the past from social segregation to bullying however the more I put thought to it, the more I realise the real reasoning. I don’t make friends easy, and when I do, I can’t keep them. Usually it is because I go all or nothing. Overcompensating for what I think friendship should be or just vanishing from the friendships. Being socially awkward doesn’t help either. I am going to cover this and a lot more in a future post. (that’s a lot of future posts). I don’t have any close friends and those who I called friend in the past all dumped me when my mental health was at it’s worst. most annoyingly, my current situation means I am unable to make new friendships as I struggle to trust anyone’s motives.
Seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to. – So apparently I have “no filter” more often than not. I am usually blunt and straight to the point. No need to beat around the bush or tell a story, I will just give all the facts and that’ll be that. I will look like I switch off or completely blank out when you talk however I am still listening, I am just waiting for the information I need. Anything else is insignificant and will only distract me from the expected outcome. If it has no outcome or need for an outcome, I don’t want to know it. If you tell me a joke and I already know it, chances are I will either switch off or finish the joke for you. Give me a sales speech, I’ll walk away, however give me facts and I will listen. Another subject I could go on many tangents with.
Finding it hard to say how you feel. – How can I say how I feel if I don’t know how I feel. Even if I do know how I feel I won’t tell you because I’m probably going to sound stupid. Putting names to feelings never comes easy. I know anger and frustration but other feelings and emotions it takes me a lot of overthinking and procrastination to put names to, and even then I am usually wrong. I’ve been told this is also connected to EUPD/BPD, or it could be a catalogue of other reasons, who knows. One thing is for certain, I can give you a scientific hypothesis about what is going on. Besides that, don’t expect to hear anything other than “I’m fine”.
Taking things very literally. – More often than not, yes. I work on facts and stats. I do have common sense and I do question a lot of what I experience in life, however, I do have a habit of believing everything is gospel until I learn otherwise. The bigger issue is when people say things to me or comment about general events. If someone says I look awful, that’s me for the day at least, thinking I am dying. If I’m told I am weird, I will recant into my shell and probable never do or say anything in front of that person again. If it is said to me that I am stupid, I will cry myself to sleep thinking I am useless and a waste of time. This might explain why I can’t keep friends.
Having the same routine every day and getting very anxious if it changes. – Oh yes. Since my breakdown I have pined a routine. Unfortunately my current dynamics don’t allow for it so I try to keep to as many as I can. If my structure changes, so does my day and the slightest thing can render me useless. It is not so coincidental that my initial breakdown and struggles with work commitments came at the same time my office took on a new floor manager. With no knowledge of the work we did or how we did it, he decided to switch everything up. Changing how we carried out practically everything. Pushing for a more call centre chicken cage dynamic over the relaxed office process which worked so well, he started to push for longer opening hours, shift work and hot desking amongst others. I would come in and nothing would be on my desk where I left it. My chair, my screen, my mouse (I’m left handed), and even my desktop trinkets would not be where I left them. Upon my return after my first breakdown, we were in a new office at the other side of town. The office was a sterile hot desk environment with no personalisation and I was expected to undertake roles not within my former role. Struggling with this and still recovering, I was forced into undertaking actions I was in no way prepared for. Along came my 2nd more damaging breakdown. There is a lot more to this which I will once again cover in a future topic, depending upon how I am dealt with by them this year. Prior to my breakdowns and the changes at the time, I stuck to a structured and trackable routine, only deviating upon pre-planned events or substance related episodes.
Not understanding social “rules”, such as talking over people. – As I’ve said above, I am not very good at the whole process of socialising. When in social environments I will either stay quiet in the corner or over compensate. This includes overtalking, spurting out random facts, cutting off conversations or offering straight blunt responses. I don’t do small talk and I don’t understand the concept of a conversation fully. If I talk to you for more than a couple of minutes you should feel honoured, because that is very rare for me. I’ll say what’s in my head as soon and as fast as I can then I’m out of there, back to the safe zone I have already planned out. You could be mid conversation with someone, on the phone, or even engrossed into something, I won’t put thought to it until later on that night when I question every activity I have done that day.
Avoiding eye contact. – I’ve mentioned this above, eye contact is something I can’t do. Never have done and I doubt I ever will manage to master it. One of my learnt skills was to watch the persons lips, their ears or even what is going on behind them. I may look like I am making eye contact but you will notice my eyes are bouncing like I’m high or squinting like I’m drained. If I am forced to make or keep eye contact, I will not pay attention to anything you are saying or doing. I will be putting every form of energy into looking at your eyes, switching off every other sense, feeling or emotion. When it is over with I will be drained and probably won’t remember a single thing that happened surrounding the whole encounter. I can lose days of memory and focus by forcing eye contact. I pay the best attention to anything or anyone when I am focussing on anything but that person or event. For instance, in group I doodle on my pad. I engage, I acknowledge what is going on and I even offer my own personal insights, but I can guarantee you that I have no idea what any of the other participants look like. I can engage you in conversation in one location but if I pass you in the streets I would not recognise you until you spoke. I’ve walked past my own family because of this. I will only recognise you if we are back in the location we engaged in. It takes a lot for me to acknowledge someone in a foreign environment.
Getting too close to other people, of getting very upset if someone touches or gets too close to you. – With all the negativity of covid, one positive thing did come out of it, social distancing. I can’t stand to be touched. No hugging, kissing, touching, shaking hands or any other form of greetings. Give me space and stay away from me. I hate being crowded, overshadowed, people standing too close, I can’t stand in queues, and I can’t sit too close to anyone else. Even being close to the Mrs is hard as I am not a touchy feelie person. I sit at the far end of the room and if I go out to cinemas or theatres, I book seats at the end of a row. When flying I have to sit in the window seat and prebook my seats so I am not sat next to anyone I don’t know. I don’t use hotel transports, instead I have to hire a car and drive myself, no matter what country I am in. If I am touched without my permission, there is a chance I will either lash out or pull as far away as possible.
Noticing small details, patterns, smells or sounds that others do not. – I have always been curious as to why I struggle with Hyper-vigilance and hyper-senses such as smell, touch and taste. Often putting these down to my childhood experiences, the fact I am a motorcyclist, with the latter being attributed to past sinus problems. It was only when I started to discuss this with others that it was pointed out how strange and rare my “abilities” are. I will watch a TV program with the Mrs and not be paying attention to what is going on because I am talking about stuff in the background. I will walk into a room and know what has moved about. Acknowledging the slightest changes or differences. Before I sit down I will know where every window and door are. Where every thing I might need access to is and what it will take for me to access it at any given time. I will over focus on slight inconsistences within wallpapers or floor tiles, even inconstancies within paperwork or slight typos will stick out to me, causing me to over focus on that. Ironically I make spelling and typo mistakes all the time, often due to me rushing my typing in order to get out what I want to say before I get distracted and have to go over it all again. But that’s another tangent I will cover at a later date. Smells, I can’t stand smells. I smell everything it it overloads me quickly. Too many smells in one place and I’m out of action for hours. I can’t go anywhere near shops like Lush and the last time a stealth sprayer in Selfridges (they don’t sell fridges) tried to spray me, she ended up mopping the whole shelf up. As for sounds, sounds have always affected me. I have presented many times to the Drs about me hearing noises that others don’t or things being loud around me. Drs refer me to the hearing clinic who tell me there is nothing wrong with my hearing and send me on my way. I am glad to finally have an answer for why sounds quickly overload me. More than one person talking to me throws me off and I ignore both. I can sometimes switch between them but that is tiring. Background noise is okay in the background but too loud or too many different noises, I have to block my ears and escape as quick as possible. Loop plugs have been a life changer for me recently.
Having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities. – Often a subject of disagreement or frustration, I can quickly become engrossed into something only to just as quickly get bored with it and turn to something else. When I am interested in something though it’s an all or nothing response. One example would be fish. I have always loved fish for as long as I can remember. There is nothing more mesmerising and calming than watching a group of fish living their life in a glass box. A visit to the sea life centre a few years back reminded me of such, and prompted me to get back into fish keeping. Like Pokémon however, fish keeping is addictive as you want to catch them all. Within a short amount of time I went up from one tank to nine and two large ponds. I have varieties of tropical and cold water fish most don’t even know exist. I have spent thousands of hours watching YouTube videos, reading various websites and even reading peer reviewed scientific papers on the life and behaviour of as many fish as I can find. If it wasn’t for the passing of my father, I would have a fully functioning fish farm in my shed by now. Instead it is currently full of his model railways. Chances are that will be my next subject that I will be throwing everything into. The problem is, this accompanied with the ADHD trait of going all in to something with entertains me until it doesn’t no more, at which point I will just stop and more on. I have a lot of failed hobbies and DIY projects floating around the house. While I believe this “symptom” is aimed more at dominance in one topic over others such as presented in “Rain Man”, however that will be covered in another future publication as that is a whole lot of crazy.
Liking to plan things carefully before doing them. – As commented above, I go in all or nothing mode before doing most things. I’ll either do a random thing of buying something then researching it to the hills afterwards, or I will research and plan veraciously before doing something. The Mrs says I become obsessed easy, and will often complain as the 20th video of the same thing comes on on YouTube. An example of this is when I am booking a holiday. I am aware I am a nightmare to holiday with at the best of time, but the build up to a holiday must be agonising to others. I will go onto as many booking websites as possible to get the best idea of where to go. I will then watch copious amounts of YouTube videos on both the location and the hotels on offer. At the same time I will scan through the thousands of trip advisor and other website reviews of the hotels and surrounding establishments, compiling a list of pros and cons. I will ensure I am able to get a car with as little interaction as possible and I will research the company also. I will research up to date reviews of the airlines to see who is having the biggest issues and I will scan what flights are available in and out of the surrounding airports for the whole time we are there as well as the weeks surrounding. This is to see if there is chance of cancellations or delays. Finally I will book but only on an Onion Routed browser (TOR) with an active VPN (NORD VPN) to ensure cookies are not encouraging price hikes. Once booked I will research the plane allotted to us, choose the best seats for comfort & escape routes, ensuring we are not too close to the toilets and will be left alone as much as possible. I will know which model and tail number plane we are on far in advance, as well as the age and registered issues reported during it’s life. I will watch up to date videos on the airports at both sides, with as much guiding information as possible about security and places to hide away from everyone else. While all this is going on I will be watching the roads of the destination for repetitive traffic and accident hotspots as well as camera locations and no go locations. I will plan out the journeys to the airport and to the hotel from the arriving airport. My attention will also be placed upon looking for things to do while away as I am not a “sit at the pool and do nothing” kind of person. I will read all reviews on the attractions etc, as well as how far away from the hotel it will be and the journey there. I will watch as many YouTube videos as I can, ensuring I know what is at the location and where I park before we even set off. I will plan the best and quietist times to visit as much as possible. The biggest issue comes when something goes against the excessive planning. But that’s a story for another day.
So what’s the diagnoses?
Overall, I’m afraid to admit this without a formal diagnoses, but Neurodivergence does answer a lot of questions I have about my mental health state. Although I have only completed the pre assessment questionnaires for ADHD and ASD, there are far more clear definitive answers to my questions than I like to admit. So as we play the next waiting game for the official assessment, it’s time I tell myself that this one is true. Not surprisingly, whoever I discuss my possible diagnoses with seems to agree, with even close family members saying, “I know”, or “that explains a lot”. So currently as it stands my diagnoses are; Complex PTSD, Comorbid Depression & Anxiety, EUPD/BPD, with probable ADHD and ASD.
Having spent so long looking for answers while being fobbed off from one professional to another, I had almost given up. Expecting my life to end before the answers became relevant. After all gaps of 9 months plus between professionals only to be bounced on to the next one, you quickly lose any expectancy of help. To finally receive an answer to my issues that fits and makes sense is as amazing as the mental health team I am currently working with, and for that I will forever be grateful. It’s just a shame I had to go through what I did to get here.
Now I have answers, the next stage is treatment and coping mechanisms. While my current treatment path for EUPD/BPD is helping me to cope with and understand my emotions, I can’t help but hope that a formal diagnoses will allow for a return to structured employment in a field I want to work in.
Thank you if you have gotten this far, I know I can waffle on when typing. Hopefully if all goes to plan, future publications will cover all that is mentioned above.
Until then please take care of yourself.
Stevie
This publication has been months in the making having been written and re-written on many occasions. I am glad to be finally publishing it completed and I will try not to leave such long gaps in between posts from now on.